My Sunset
The warm orange glow was slowly fading behind the houses across the road as the low melodic strumming from the car’s radio chose suicide, how apt. I turned to look at the door of my house. A house that was no longer a home. A house where I was no longer welcome. A house that had beaten me into this moment. A moment where I sat with this heavy weight in my lap. A weight that would lift away all my pain. A weight which would release all of my hurt, my burdens, my mistakes, and my shame.
Noticing the Night
It had grown dark. I was alone. I was tired, so very tired. It would be time to sleep soon. I stared into the night, not even the light of passing cars could shine their light on my eventuality. I sat there thinking about failure. My failing marriage, my failure as a friend, as a military member, as a veteran, as a human. There was no facet of my life where I did not cause suffering, pain, and disappointment. Suffering, pain, and disappointment would be leaving with me as I embarked on my journey.
The Caress of Cold Steel
As the sweat from the day dried on my brow, I could feel my skin grow tight and cold. Almost as cold as the heavy steel conclusion. Slowly constricting my grip, I lifted the peace maker. It was heavier than I remembered. Somehow it was far heavier than moments ago. My jaw was stiff from the dried sweat as I forced the cold, hollow pipe against the damp, soft, warm flesh of my upper mouth. It would not be long until all was forgotten as my finger found the gentle round release.
Remembering the Forgotten
The front light flashed on. Sitting in the light were bills I had not noticed. They reminded me of the previous week. I had noticed a shabby pile of letters, magazines, and post cards laying on the floor of a house through the front window. The old man who lived there was always waiting for his mail. I don’t know why I was thinking of that man, but I found out a couple days later he was found in the tub. He was just lying there for days. His family only visiting for an hour on Sundays. The mail carrier reported the unusual mail stack, and the old man was found. I never knew the end to his story. I had no idea why that old man was interrupting me.
More Bills in the Mail
Always the Bills
I returned to the moment and noticed the bills in the light again. I slowly removed the grip the solution had on my mouth. Returning the burden to my lap was a tedious strength sapping chore. I couldn’t stop looking at the mail. Who would bring in the mail? Who would tell the mail carrier I had left? That damn mail. That damn unfinished business. That damn mail forbade my sweet solace.
My End
I sat there staring at the bills until the needles in my sleeping feet interrupted my trance. My gaze transitioned to my lap. I removed all ends from my final goodbye. As I slowly made my way through the dark and stepped into the light.
Author’s Note
Author’s Note
This story has elements of truth, elaboration, and some creative memories. People cause ripples in life. Those we hold closest experience the greatest effect of our ripples. The people we see casually are affected a little less, those we see rarely less, and those who know about us the least. No matter what choices we make in life there are ripples. We just need to make sure we do not drown those around us with our ripples. A suicide is a boulder that causes a tidal wave and drowns everyone. If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health emergency call someone for help. In the United States the suicide helpline is 988.